Almost nine months since I've said that I was never coming home.
Almost nine months since I dumped everything off my chest.
Three weeks have past since I moved back.
The days are long and the nights even longer, the late may air nips at my skin like cold mosquitoes. It feels almost if summer wont come this year.
Does it feel good to be home? No, not really. The city remains small like a sliver on the thumb of the world and I yearn to explore.
But.. This doesn't mean I'm unhappy.
Calgary wasn't where I was suppose to be, six months of seclusion, working overtime and a lack of sleep really makes you appreciate home. I can't explain what happened on the highway the day I left, but it saved my life. It wasn't moving, being with new people or making a fresh start that I needed.
What I needed was to be right with myself.
Suddenly nothing mattered anymore. Social status, who's dating who and all the other pop culture propaganda that surrounded my life meant nothing. Why give into these things, I'm just going to get old and pass away like everyone else.
My mind was a war zone of self destructive thoughts and behaviors, "what if we were still together?" "What if i would have done this or started doing that earlier?"
I just accepted that things in life happen and unlike ms paint there is no undo, we just have to live.
I've made a lot of mistakes and have done a lot of awful things to good people who didn't deserve them. I'm sorry to everyone who I've hurt, but life goes on. I'm not going to let regrets eat away at my life. I'm not going to let my own flaws hold me back.
I have to live in the skin that I wear, I might as well enjoy it.
We all have problems and there are things in this world that will bother us. So we can live criticizing others, picking fights and asserting our authority or we can just let others be, no matter how we dress, live and act sometimes. We're all just people at the end of the day and there's no getting around it.
As humans we have a thing called free will, where we act and say as we please. No matter how much i tried, I couldn't change others around me, I couldn't control shit.
But we do have the power to change ourselves and influence others for the better.
I think being back has made me appreciate what I had before and without the voice of doubt to tell me otherwise.
This probably makes little sense and I'm not going to proof read it before I publish it because simply I don't care, I said what I wanted to say.
I hope everyone reading this has a nice day because I know if you are reading this that you would want me to have one too.
